3am thoughts are complicated clusters of pain and joy muddled up in your head.

3am thoughts are all the things left unsaid discharging, spilling, spouting out of your subconscious into your conscious.

3am thoughts hold pain and destruction.

3am thoughts hold laughter and ecstasy.

3am thoughts are erotic and stimulating.

3am words are uncoordinated and gawkish yet somehow manage to be creative and inventive.

3am is when the darkness you hide inside of yourself pours out. It's when thoughts become emotions, and emotions become physical pain. 

3am is when dry eyes are but a myth. 

3am is when memories come alive.

3am is a war zone. A battle between the good and the bad. The happy and the sad. The depressing and the uplifting. It's when all the important, life-altering decisions are made. Do you choose depression or do you choose hope? 

3am is not for the weak. It's not for the languorous, shaky, sickly kind who can't handle the power of their own thoughts.

3am is scary as fuck.

3am is for the overthinkers. 

3am is the beginning.

3am changes everything.

She Expressed 

12:47 AM

I am a Christian.

A God-Loving, People-Respecting Christian.

That means that the love I have for this beautiful God pushes me to love and respect other humans regardless of who they choose to love and/or marry. The U.S government has made a choice to allow same-sex marriage despite the fact that it is against the bible. This affects everyone no, matter what country you live in or what religion you choose to follow, it affects us all. Do I as a Christian support this movement? Absolutely not. Am I going to rally up my forces and attack these people? No.

The bible that I read encourages me to love and to spread love. That means that even in correcting people of their sins I am to show them that God is waiting for them with arms stretched out to repent. The truth is that same-sex relationships are sins. But an even greater truth is that God is love. That means that no matter the depth or strength of your sin, His love will never forsake you and it is so powerful that it surpasses all human comprehension.

Speaking of depth or weight of one’s sin, let us not forget that the bible states that no man is without sin. I am not asking if you sin or proposing that you sin too. It is a fact my fellow Christian. We are all sinners who have fallen short of the Glory of our magnificent Christ. Yet He chooses to love us. So who are we not to spread this love He has graciously gifted us with? This same bible that you filter and sieve to fit your liking in order for you not to come to terms with your own flaws, states that all sins are equal to Christ except for blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. So before you point a finger and tell gay couples how much God hates them, take a good look at your own sin.

I write this not to attract or provoke the anger of Christians out there who are strongly opposed to same-sex tendencies and relationships, nor to say that all Christians exhibit the behavioral characteristics suggested in this piece, but to simply propose a friendly reminder that God would not condone you bashing and shaming other people based on their sins.

To the gay/lesbians out there, my God loves you just the way you are and cannot wait for you to come back to him. He is rooting for you and so am I.

4:57 PM

Is it not disgusting that social media has reached a point of primitiveness and savageness? That the one platform intended to be a means of connection and interaction has become a tool for barbarism, bullying, isolation and pure stupidity. It seems to be beyond comprehension that human biengs are all equal. There is enough class discrimination going on in the real world already but it seems social media celebrities and trolls have decided to bring it into the virtual world as well.  

We think its cool and polished but really it is disgusting and foul. That you could treat another human being as less than you are because of their looks. That plus sized or overweight people are no longer people but cause for a good laugh and a couple of retweets. That it is ok to be rude and insensitive towards another persons beliefs and culture just as long as you claim to be stating your opinion. Words of complete and total naivete are now permitted because so long as you say you do not care about other peoples opinions no one will stop you. Its ok to stab your friends in the back. You cannot even have a safe conversation about anything with anyone without the fear that it will be screen grabbed and displayed for the entire world to see. We hang fellow humans by a single thread and create a criticism panel where anyone can say anything to and about them in order to completely tarnish every bit of thgier self-esteem and when they finally fall we point and laugh.

You have to be skinny! No you must be curvy! Big thighs are the best because you don't have them. Smaller legs are sexier because yours are too big. Girls look pretty with braids. No you must have a weave for your selfie to truly impress. Girls edit their pictures to a point where they become unrecognizable because we kill their confidence and tell them the way they look is not ok, then we call them fake, pretentious and spurious for trying to look the way we told them they must look in order to be appreciated. Isn't that disgusting? We have a hierarchy where the most important and beautiful get away with everything and the rest of us are expected to kiss the ground they walk on and of course refusal to comply results in being labeled as a "hater" or a "wannabe". Then we have the mere peasants who are brutally attacked and ridiculed for each word that comes out of their mouths. The most disgusting part of it all is that the onlookers, such as myself, encourage such barbarity by keeping our mouths shut and waiting for the next cat-fight so we can retweet and add "lol's" to the conversations.

Side note to the people that are being bullied- LOG OFF! The internet gives you the power to choose what affects you. As painful as it may be, you can actually stop it so do not give excuses. 

But what is the truth? The truth is that we hide behind our computer screens and cellphones. The truth is that we feel there is so much wrong with us that we must find something to hate about someone else in order to distract ourselves from our own imperfections. And the most abominable truth of it all is that we face no consequence. We are allowed to think highly of ourselves because as long as we avoid real-life confrontation, no one can stop us.

6:00 PM

She switches to another state of reality which is everything but real. A world somewhere deep in her mind, in between her consciousness and unconsciousness. She's falling. Falling deep into world she created for them.

She allows her mind to reminisce. To wonder off to that place. Serenity. Tranquility. Placidity. She finds utter peace in the desolation of her imagination. She dives into a trance. A completely animated world where they fall in love all over again. This time it's perfect. No mistakes. No unsaid words. Nothing is considered a risk because she bares her soul to him once again. Presents her vulnerability in openness and falls deeper and deeper into love.

She gazes at his flawless mess. Messy hair, rumpled shirt, careless smile, glistening skin, eyes that pierce into the very depth of her soul and captures her existence and turns it around. Breaks her strength so she has no choice but to run into the asylum of his arms. She wants to become one with him. To intertwine and interlock herself with him. His very touch causes her to fall all over again.

How long will her imagination permit her to be here. She never wants to leave. As she awakens, tears fall from the corners of her eyes. Tears that should wash away the pain of reality. She feels as though a carving knife has been plunged into her heart, swirled around and jacked right out. Her stomach feels like a war is occurring between her organs. She attempts to leave her bed, to free herself from the agent of her dreams. Her legs give up. Her mind and body give up. She plants herself on the floor and sobs till her body runs out of tears. The real reality has forced her to fall back out.

And with all of this, tomorrow and every day after that she'll still find herself on her bed falling into thier world relentlessly. The reason for her self-inflicted torture? She believes that just a few moments of bliss is worth more than an eternity in a world void of thier love.

9:10 AM

She lives in a society where her relevance is determined by her follower-ship. Where the higher she climbs up the invisible social ladder the more weight her words carry.

She's a stranger in her own earthly home. Unable to speak her mind. Forcing down her thoughts and opinions to the detriment of her sanity because she feels safer behind the fake walls of discretion. She weakens her creativity to avoid judgement. She stands aside and abandons her strengths to nullify her chances of failure. Why? Why does she fear getting judged for being expressive? Shouldn't that judgement further provoke the expressions of the truths behind her spoken words?

She trains herself to be consistently conscious of her words. To judge the solecisms of this world only in her head and to never let her real conceptions come out of her mouth. Think about it. She may pride herself in her unfiltered, unapologetic conjectures. But critically speaking, the fact that she doesn't filter her words does not mean she gives her complete viewpoint on everything her mind ponders on. Rarely does she ever provoke society by telling the truth. She imagines her importance, the relevance of their thoughts, banks on her ability to be liked and appreciated. 

She fails to see that her social, political, economic, cultural, relevance is dependent on her own "self-relevance". As a human being, she is as relevant and she allows herself be. Her words will impact substantial forces if she releases and permits herself to be as uncompromisingly opinionated as humanely possible.

So I ask again, how important are you? How relevant is your opinion to society? Do you stand out for being unapologetically the best, most candid version of yourself? 

You are as relevant as you allow yourself become.

5:19 AM